My Boyfriend is, well, amazing :)

He sent me a link to a military photographer that took pics of some of their field training exercises.  He told me I should check them out because there was a message for me hidden in the pictures.

I assumed that at the end of the photos, the soldiers would have written little messages or something to their families/loved ones.  WRONG.

After looking through several hundred photos (including some fabulous ones of him), I discovered a picture of him sitting near his mock “patient,” holding up a gloved hand upon which he’d written, “Hi (my name)!”

I about died. How adorable is that?? AND I pick him up from the airport in a week.

Cloud 9 is my current location.

Bittersweet still tastes like sugar baby

I’m between flights on my way back home. My weekend in Texas was amazing and I already miss him more than ever.
We toured the river walk and saw the Alamo. We hung by the pool, relaxed in the hot tub, played pool at his favorite dive bar.
We spent so much time in contact, fingertips touching and locking, eyes meeting and memorizing. My heart broke as he walked out the door and headed back to base.
I wouldn’t trade the three days we spent together for the pain of watching him leave. I spent the next three hours nimbly trying to distract myself and prepare to head back home.
He says he associates me with home which is why it was bittersweet for him. I have to say that I agree with him. I can only continue through the motions, thank the gods that my job keeps me so busy, and wait until we’re able to be together again. This time for more than a few brief days, hours, or weeks.

Breathe breathe breathe

I think I build things up in my head to the point that when my dreams aren’t satisfied, I get hurt.
My mantra today: lower expectations.
At least I survived the flights, right??

It’s Only Been One Week

Eleven to go.

A time machine would be nice right about now.

Sometimes I wish I could just go numb.

I spent a fair amount of time today comforting a friend who’s coming out of/ in the process of repairing, what can be classified as a parasitic relationship.  Essentially, she is far too fantastic to not be treated as such, and I love her for her strength throughout this process.  All of this occurred after spending a good portion of last night texting her in the throes of an emotional sandstorm that I stupidly unleashed upon myself in a moment afflicted by poor timing, poor phrasing, and overly-idealistic romantic notions. And I realized something.  We, my group of female friends at least, are independent, strong, intelligent, and driven.

We are also all creative.  A by-product of this combination is that as fabulous as we all can be, we are also far more volatile than most women because we get so wrapped up in our own “perfect” versions of how things should be that when reality hits us with something that completely contradicts our vision, we have to recover from the self-inflicted damage.

There is nothing wrong with idealism.  I am a self-identified idealist.  But, going from cloud 9 in one moment to sub zero in the next can leave you reeling for days. And we sit and wait for the next domino to fall, for them to make that next move that will allow us to move forward and return to reality.  Whether coming off of a fight, a misplaced word, a break up, or simply a conflict of interest, we who spend our days creating, can end up in a cycle of accidental emotional destruction.  This cycle, once reflected upon, is generally unfounded and based often on high emotions and stemmed by a few glasses of wine.  But, it takes time and a few bouts of external reassurance to understand that.  Even after the millionth time.

So, I, heavily dosed with natural sedatives, am shutting down my brain for the night and trying to relax my overly-sensitive and intensely-feeling mind and heart for as long as I possibly can.  I hope everyone else can do the same thing.

I seriously had an amazing day :)

I woke up, exhausted from work the night before, fed horses, went for a run, did miscellaneous useless stuff around the house. Then, went out to my grandparents’ place to help with some barn chores. Had a nice chat with my grandmother :) Then, rode Bess, ate a sweet lunch, went to work, made some sweet cash, and now I’m home and in bed waiting for my 5HTP to kick in so I can sleep.

BUT THE BEST PART IS !

Z called me right when I was on break at work :) He will hopefully be able to send me his address on Saturday when he officially starts Basic so we can start writing each other but if not, it’s going to be a long few weeks until we get to talk to each other again … 

Either way, he basically straight up was like, “Corie. I’m going to be selfish. I want you to wait for me. I want you to pick me up from the airport and I want to make plans with you. I want to be able to plan my time home out so I can spend it with you. That’s what’s going to get me through this.”

YAYYYYYY !!! So, we’re like unofficially officially an item ? And thank the GODS because we were all confused when I dropped him off at MEPS about how the whole thing was going to work out. And now, I’m ecstatic. Waiting until December is going to be a breeze after today :)

SO HAPPY <3

Back to Square One is Getting Pretty Damn Old.

Yep. Awesome. I meet what appears to be a great guy, foreign, great sense of humor, absolutely cute… and then I take him into downtown Portland. 

Can you guess what happens next ? I spend the evening getting the cold shoulder from him, chatting up his friend to keep things from becoming outrageously awkward, and then get driven home and dropped off to a one-armed hug.

WTF?

And checking Facebook reveals … yes, a status update in German about how Portland girls are smokin’ hot and how downtown is a single man’s dream.

Cute.

Awesome.

Maybe don’t let me talk to your Mom before you act like a douche and ditch me after a night in the ‘big city.’

Oh yeah, what up college ?

SO. I graduated from college today.

It was amazing and I’m not 100% sure that I’ve fully realized exactly what graduating means.

I love my friends and my family so much and I seriously cannot do enough thanking for those people who came down to share their day with me :)

I also cannot thank those who allowed me to share their nights with them enough.  I absolutely will love and miss you all with all of my heart and soul.

My 4 years in Eugene, OR at the UO has changed my life.  I’m terrified/excited for the next chapter of my life.

Getting Burned Isn’t So Bad … Right ?

So things start off all hot and heavy with T.  We’re nearly inseparable for two weeks.  We agree to “take things slow” but after a few days of that we realize that, although we aren’t having sex, we’ve grown incredibly close.  I whisper, “this taking things slowly thing isn’t working out so well, is it?” as we lay in bed one night.  He asks me “Is that alright ?” I agree “yes” and he replies, “Good, because it’s alright with me too.”

I’m not the type of person that just has sex with a guy because I’m bored or I find him attractive.  I explain this to him in order for him to understand that I only sleep with men that mean something to me.  I left the decision as to when we would sleep together up to him.

Last Friday, it happened.  Right before we had to be at a party so I had to stumble happily down the street and behave myself for several hours.  Suffice to say, we went home early.  Had a little more fun before bed and woke up in the morning, same song same fabbbbulous dance.

The strangest thing about my newfound canoodling with T was that I felt connected somehow.  I felt as though our limited time together had passed over many months and not simply many days.

My read for this type of relationship is often dead on.  I’ve been burned enough times to understand when things work and when they simply do not.  Which is why before I allowed myself to take the next step physically, I said, “Okay, as long as you don’t turn around and leave in a few days…”  He smiled and said “don’t worry, I’ll be here.”

I headed to Portland Saturday morning to pick up my sister from the airport.  Having not seen her in 4 months, I was ecstatic and I had an amazing day with her. 

Before heading back Sunday, T and I chatted on FB and he shared more in depth facts about his life.  We planned on getting together Sunday night to catch up on Mad Men and to go to “bed” early.

I got back and T unfortunately had to cancel our ‘date’ because of some homework he’d forgotten about. He came over, however, to bring me my blender.  Walking in he had a huge grin on his face.  He gave me a kiss and we chatted for about 30 minutes before he had to leave.  I asked him if he would like me to make dinner Monday night.  I love cooking so I was excited to show off my culinary skillls.  He was excited, we agreed on 7pm and he left for the night.

Rewinding, what made me think T was interested in more than just hooking up with me was the way he was around me.  He played with my hair, comforted me while I cried through Harry Potter VII, and simply seemed genuinely happy to be with me.  I spent a lot of time with his friend from out of town and we created a number of inside jokes relating to a drunken night spent texting a rapper who was in for the music fest on campus.  I hung out with his brother, sister, friends…. I wasn’t just some secret twat he was banging and hiding.  He told me about one of his really good friends dying a few months ago and how hard it was for him.  I learned about the toxic non-relationship he had previously been in, and the times he had been burned before that.  I, too, shared my history though less extensively than he did. 

Having spent a year and a half relationship dating the most emotionally closed off and intimacy-challenged individual I have ever encountered, it is easy for someone to understand how and why I was quickly excited by this person who wanted to share things with me.  Too bad.

So, I got burned.  He told me via FB chat, and over the phone when I insisted on calling him, and later tonight after I drug him over to my apartment under the pretenses of returning his watch, that he didn’t feel enough fireworks about ‘us’ when we were apart for him to want to pursue anything any longer.  

And yes.  It positively sucks.  Seeing him nearly every day should be a blast but as I told him as he walked out my door, he was closing the door on any possible future we might have had by burning me this once.

I just find it so difficult to absorb how one single night apart could make such a giant difference in his feelings towards me.  He adamantly refused this morning to meet me because he wants to be with me when he’s with me, but doesn’t feel the same way when he’s not.  Out of Sight, Out of Mind, right ?

Unfortunately, this has had a larger effect on my psyche than the end of my recent relationship.  But, a girl’s gotta get burned eventually right ?  I just wish it hadn’t happened with this one…

Game of the Sexes

While discussing our exploits with the opposite sex over a bottle of fabulous wine, a friend and I stumbled upon an interesting concept: attractiveness as a factor in determining self assertion and what is referred to as “game.”

Every. Single. Man. that I’ve ever stumbled across that has at least two of the following factors has without question been an immense douchebag:

Tall

Attractive

Wealthy

Intelligent

Athletic

Now, if we were to combine at least two of those factors, we’d have ourselves quite the eligible bachelor, now wouldn’t we?  However, combine those same factors and shove them into a female form and you end up with an easy, depressed, vulnerable, and overall self-loathing and self-confidence-lacking loser.

What is it in the media that allows attractive, successful women to live in utter darkness regarding their desirability?  Even women who are classified as ‘bitches’ because of the confidence they exude are often left in crumpled piles on the floors of their apartment as soon as their day ends.

Models, actresses, celebrities.  Most of them have or have had some form of eating disorder so that they can be seen as ‘beautiful.’  Portia de Rossi’s interview in “BUST” revealed that she was so uncomfortable with her GORGEOUS self that she was limiting herself to a mere 300 calories a day in order to become ‘more’ beautiful.

What has become of society ?  Attractiveness leaves us, men or women, either sluttin’ it up around town and treating everyone around us like scum or wasting slowly away under the guise of over-the-top-egocentrism in order to preserve whatever beauty we feel we need to exalt.

This game of the sexes is perverting and destroying social norms and has been ever since standards of beauty began to manifest and mutate. 

Is there anything we can really do about it ?