I am absolutely stuck between a rock and a hard place. Deciding upon the correct balance, too much contact or too little could destroy things, is an all-consuming task. I find myself drift away when I am not occupied, dreading and fixating on my next move and whether I need to be the first one to initiate, whether I should even continue expressing and outpouring energy into something with someone who may or may not even care that I am alive. Being ignored and jilted on a consistent basis could send me spiraling.
These things are true, however, I have vowed that I will do what I do because I want to, endless possible repercussions for my actions will not be factored in. My heart breaks a little more each day but I spend a few minutes before I get out of bed in the morning, putting bandages on the critical areas. I will continue to act in a way that reflects me in the purest possible way and I will continue to care and cry and laugh and hope each day that soon things will return to their previous, wonderfully free place.
If not, at this point I know I will survive, unhappy, but alive. I have enough of my own life, something that I had to reacquire over the past year, that losing one aspect of my orbit will not destroy the rest of the solar system. I just absolutely continue to wish that someone, somewhere, will shake some sense into this whole situation and help me be at peace, so I don’t have to work so damn hard at it.
For the people in my life who help me stay strong. Whether they’ve allowed me a shoulder to cry on; helped me move in a time of need; poured me another one when I need to keep talking; offered me strength and advice during times of transition; patiently listened to my delusioned/emotional ranting and waited until I finished before smacking me around a bit; allowed me the chance to make mistakes and not judged me for them; helped fuel my fire by tagging along on random adventures; ridden through moonlit fields with me in 30* weather; read through my late night texts that make little to no sense; reciprocated my hopeless romanticism even when the tunnel appears to be closing. I am thankful for the people in my life who have been a part of my life and am thankful for what they’ve allowed me to witness, build, create, and listen to.
It’s time to get really, really sassy. No more waiting games. No more waiting around. It’s extremely hard to give people the benefit of the doubt sometimes, and although I’ll acknowledge that the internet can be wildly unpredictable, it’s really not that difficult to let people know that you’re thinking about them or to simply say, “oh hey, it’s been a while, what’s up?”
But at this point, maybe I’ll just enjoy my beer, my fabulously upgraded culinary skills, and start window shopping.
She strained every effort of her mind to say what ought to be said. But instead of that she let her eyes rest on him, full of love, and made no answer.
as the sun sets i cross the border into the city
watching the light fade across the skyline
i’ve been chasing the sun all day
and am glad she’s finally decided to take a rest
sweat and dirt lightly cake my skin
creating an extra layer of tan on my no longer fair skin
the miles have been fading and blurring with each new day
and i long ago stopped wondering whether i would begin each day fresh
and stop searching the horizons for signs of my companion
he began as a figment, a mere projection i could see in the distance
he was a mark for me to follow, the reason i put one foot in front of the other
he kept me traveling toward my yet unseen destination, elusive and engaging
eventually, i caught up and we traveled as one
the sun rose and fell as we laughed, talked, made love, and walked
until eventually i no longer had to see him to know his thoughts
to see his face
to know he was there
one day, i stopped checking
and i find myself traveling alone again, chasing a figment, a mere projection in the distance
This should be the end of my series of posts on recovering from my ‘break up.’ After much discussion, things have been put on hold until Z comes home and we are able to work things out in person. Before either of us leaves for Europe- together or separately. I’m in the midst of researching, questioning, and financially planning my excursion into the unknown, looking forward toward my next adventure. I’d definitely love it if I could not travel alone but I know that in either instance, I will learn and grow and become a better ME. This entire situation has allowed me to delve deep and discover what things are the most crucial for me in having someone to love.
1. Independence: I need to have my own life. I need him to have his own. Or I go completely crazy. Neither of us should have to sacrifice ourselves or our dreams in order to be together. If things go as they are meant and we are able to be together and have adventures and spend time together, happy and in love, then that’s perfect, but too many sacrifices lead to resentment, and I never want to resent someone for loving me too much, or for allowing me to give myself up for them.
2. Honesty: And not just the whole, I’ll tell you if I’ve cheated on you honesty. I mean, the, this is how I feel RIGHT NOW and I’m not going to leave you in the dark for a second. Even if that means that breaking up is a possibility, or that you might leave yourself open to be phenomenally hurt, be HONEST. Not sure if you love me anymore? Tell me. Not sure how much you want to plan a future with me? Tell me. I will do with that information what I want to, but leaving me in the dark about any of it is not fair to anyone.
3. Kick-Ass Family: Seriously. Must. I need to love someone’s family or I will go completely insane. I want to feel comfortable calling them for ANYTHING and I expect the same in return.
4. Support: I do a lot of impulsive, occasionally stupid, things. And I need someone to tell me things will be okay when I realize the extent of the damage that I’ve caused. I also need to feel like if I’ve written something that I think is good (which is a rarity), that I can hear a rain of praise wash over whatever it is I’ve written before I start absorbing the constructive criticism. I also want someone who supports my adventures (this ties in with the whole, independence stuff).
Long story short, I believe in my relationship and I believe in the idea that the love we have is strong enough to withstand a lot of life’s many, zany, and sometimes cruel, twists and turns. I have my fingers crossed for the next chapter and I look to the stars for the strength to not implode on myself when our reunion moves closer.
My anxiety referees a battle between my worst fears and my hope:
The most recent odds are in and FEAR is the heavy favorite.
Good thing I always root for the underdog.
I’ll put my savings account on HOPE, please.
More waiting. When will I finally hear the response I’ve been craving for the past two weeks?
I’m maintaining such great happiness through my misery that my tears are nearly masked by my smile.
I’ve spent today waiting for a reply to the letter I sent to Z. I laid it all out, my fears, my apologies for my reaction, my realization that although he pulled the trigger, I may have supplied the gun. My sudden epiphany that perhaps he really had just wanted to talk to me about his fears and concerns with our relationship and that my extreme overreaction may have been why we are ‘over.’ I’m not sure how correct my hunch is but the sheer suddenness of it, the lack of planning, the impulsivity of the email certainly left my mind reeling and me on the defensive. So it’s simply a waiting game.
I’m happy that my weekly mileage is back up to 20+ miles otherwise, I’d be screwed. The three or so days of simply eating enough to function passed with my realization that I might be able to repair some of the damage and I am now eating with a vengeance at strange hours. Off my routine, I’ve even gone so far as to crave large amounts of chocolate, something that I’ve never really done before. But, after reading an article (http://goo.gl/B3evRV) that explained how the majority of our serotonin is found in the cells of our gut, I was able to link my perpetual crying fits to lack of food, began force feeding myself and am now less likely to become hysterical if I’ve recently eaten.
So, right now, I’m in a holding pattern. I am sad, hopeful, and terrified, all at once. But I’m now hoping that love will prevail and that we all have our happy ending.
"Lou’s not Times foole," right? Well, at least that’s what my upper rib cage keeps telling me…