Possible Solution: Go to the store and buy some.
Hypothetical Result: Lose the 10 minutes of sleep I wasn’t going to get anyway considering how locked into another season of Law and Order: SVU I am, and go to bed comforted by the thought that I can wake up, pop one in the blender with an assortment of other healthy crap and start my day off right.
Actual Result: Guilt and panic. Granted these feelings stem from the poor planning and utter laziness that characterizes most of my free nights and could easily have been prevented by a quick jaunt into the grocery store on my way home from work. However, given the extent of my ability to be completely careless when it comes to maintaining my banana supply, I am now stuck at home, pajama clad, staring at my kitchen counter and waiting for a bushel of slightly green bananas to spontaneously appear on my yuppie banana hook and beg to be eaten. Standing here I begin to feel intense rushes of guilt: “good job, Corie, now you’re going to be stuck eating peanut butter toast AGAIN tomorrow morning and the unopened-vacuum-packed frozen berries are going to get freezer burn OVERNIGHT, not to mention the fact that the apple juice in the fridge is about to expire and OMG you’re SO wasteful!” My psyche can be a real bitch sometimes. But, oh wait, after the guilt-inspiring inner monologue, I can always expect the panic that accompanies minor and obviously inconsequential shifts in my daily routine. I find myself searching every cabinet and drawer, every nook and cranny of my refrigerator and freezer, attempting to track down at least a single fragment of a banana that will make my morning routine stay intact. Finally, panting, I give up, having scoured my ice cube trays for the third time since my search began hoping that banana slices had made a bid for freedom and leapt heroically from the container I freeze them in and landed tragically amidst some blocks of frozen water. I walk, defeated, back into the living room, consider my breakfast plans briefly, and decide to resume my search in the morning while clutching my daily 20oz dose of coffee and trying to problem solve my way around being sans smoothie for the day.
I’m unhappy. Not all the time, just more often than I think I should be.
I think this unhappiness stems from my lack of drive, my lack of having a sense of purpose and any sort of goals to work toward. My job is lacking- I feel as if I am constantly on the verge of smacking a coworker upside the face for being a dumb bitch or acting completely self-entitled, and I also feel trapped. I have come to realize that I hold a position in a program in which I am made to feel guilty for needing sick time or for wanting a vacation. Not only is it almost required for me to “flex” my hours but I also have to cover other people’s appointments whenever a minute shift in our schedule changes, adding to my already piling workload. On top of that, my director is wanting to “overbook” us, meaning scheduling multiple sessions at the same time just in case a client doesn’t show up. That’s all fun in theory but when you wind up being expected to run two completely separate sessions at once, life starts to look less like the fun filled adventure I’ve been hoping it will be.
I’ve also been unable to write. I will literally stare into space waiting for any kind of inspiration to hit me, like it used to, and nothing ever comes. It does not matter whether I’ve had a long day or a short day or whether I’ve actually been doing the writing exercises I’ve been trying to do, I sit staring blankly ahead contemplating the flat plane of nothingness that has become my capacity for creativity.
And I’m lonely. With Z being officially deployed and my having been alone for well over a month now and only being able to chat via face time once or twice a week, I’m having withdrawals and rather than being constructive with my pain, I sit and watch SVU reruns on Netflix rather than read the piles of books that I growing around my apartment.
Boo. Well, bright side, I’m cooking A LOT and I’m getting good at being vegan (I think). And I’m hoping that my new diet will allow me to start running again. I also have a bunch of lovely horses to ride.
I just need to find the positives and a nice goal to work toward. And maybe a good shrink ;)
When I am alone at night, I often lie in bed, struggling to relax, old injuries flaring up without the slightest provocation. The sharp aches will roll from shoulder to neck to hip to knee before finally resting heavily on my mind, pulling at strings and squirming around in areas better left alone. I recall my lesser moments, brief periods of time in which I’ve said the wrong thing and have only regretted it when the time has long passed for apologies. Many people can recall childhood memories of laughter on the playgrounds, softball games, time spent with friends and family. My only memories of my youth are of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, insults shouted out of anger and embarrassment, periods in history in which I shamed my parents. I recall fights from a few months ago, spawned from pride and the inability to understand that my thoughts and feelings are truly not the only ones that matter.
I craft countless apologize during these dark, pre-sleep periods. My eloquent words toil aimlessly throughout my head, accomplishing nothing but the progression of my long list of regrets.
It is with these things considered that I spend my waking hours exhausting myself, numbing myself with external stimuli in hopes that when night falls, I will be anaesthetized enough to sleep through the night.
I’ve been having a lot of vision problems for the past month and was finally able to have an eye exam. I’ve always had excellent vision which has been wonderful considering that I’m an avid reader. However, about a month ago, I started having very heavy eyelids, feeling like I was constantly working to refocus on everything, and by the end of the day, my eyes are so exhausted that all I want to do is curl up and go to sleep. It was all very mysterious (and annoying).
FINALLY I have my answer: I’m slightly farsighted with a bit of astigmatism. BUT that’s not the problem. I will have to wear Rx reading glasses for everything from reading + using a computer, to writing notes + using my iPhone. I will also have to attend a class that will teach me how to teach my eyes how to properly function. Basically, as an infant, I never learned the lesson on how to move my eyes inward, meaning that at 24 years old, my eyes are finally done compensating for this short coming and my faulty muscle control is showing up in technicolor.
This is going to be a big adjustment for me. And the optometrist basically said that he’s never seen this problem crop up in someone my age, it’s generally apparent when people are young, usually around the age of 8 or 9. So my poor eyes have been working their little butts off just to see for all these years and I’m finally going to teach them how to not work so hard!!
I shouldn’t be sad the night before my birthday, but that’s just the way this year is going to be I guess. I’ve felt the battle between happy and sad for the past several weeks and sad is really starting to pull in front. Let me explain: I LOVE my birthday. Like more than most people do. It’s one of my favorite days of the year and I look forward to it. For me, it’s always been, “OMG Christmas is coming up and THEN it’s my BIRTHDAYYYY!”
Not this year. For the first time in my entire life (well minus my sullen teenager phase), I will not be with my family on my birthday. Not even for a minute. I also have to work all day (in the freezing cold) with people who are not at all excited about their birthday EVER. In addition, I have like 2 friends outside of my coworkers in this entire town if you ignore my SO’s family. And to add a great big shiny cherry to the top of my nonexistent birthday cake, my SO is also thousands of miles away and two hours ahead of me.
I feel so terrible about complaining. I will be seeing my family and my friends from home this weekend and I DO have that person in my life that I do love so dearly who WILL be calling me tomorrow to wish me a happy birthday. BUT, I’m just sad. And I’m going to put on my sparkly birthday girl face tomorrow and wear my happy pants and be thankful that I’ve made it another year and will get a chance (eventually) to celebrate the day of my birth with all the people I love. But underneath it all, the spoiled-brat-birthday-princess inside of me will be screaming-crying-temper-tantrum-throwing that I am not in any way having my way on my favorite day of the year.
So basically I’ve been terribly busy over the last 6 months, with a new awesome job and wonderful barn and of course, my fantastic boyfriend. But now, I’m BACK on tumblr and ready to write :)
The main motivator behind my return to blogging is that said fantastic boyfriend left bright and early this morning (we’re talking airport drop off at 5am) for 5 weeks away at training. He will be home for hopefully a couple of days before taking off again for a week. Then he’s back! For about a month.. before leaving for his 9 month deployment. So, in a desperate attempt to maintain my very fragile sanity, I’m going to start writing again, which was how I’ve kept sane throughout the rest of my life.
Suffice to say, I miss him and it’s been just over 12 hours since we said goodbye for now. The longest we’ve been apart since April, however, was 6 days over Christmas. My current way of thinking is that I’m not allowed to become completely miserable because in only a few months short time, we’ll be apart for 3/4 of a year. And that’s not exactly something to look forward to. However, my longing is physical with the feeling that I’m constantly about to cry but haven’t shed more than the few tears I let leak out when I was driving away from the airport. I might just be getting sick. And hopefully that’s the case. Or I’m basically screwed when Spring rolls around…
Until then, and for a long while after, continue to look for my posts, ask me questions, and above all remember that LIFE IS GOOD, SIMPLE AS THAT.
What if Harry Potter had been sorted into Slytherin?